


cold open

by nebulousviolet



Category: H.I.V.E. Series - Mark Walden
Genre: Canon Divergence, Crack, Gen, SHENANIGANS!, mockumentary au? kind of? but everything else is the same, screenplay format, set post zero hour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:41:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28154775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nebulousviolet/pseuds/nebulousviolet
Summary: LAURA:Shelby and Otto are very competitive.WING (frowning):That feels like an understatement.LAURA:I think if Shelby thought she could get away with recreating the Ides of March starring herself as Brutus, she definitely would.
Relationships: Otto Malpense & Shelby Trinity
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





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**Author's Note:**

> ive been watching a lot of mockumentaries recently to cope with the real documentaries i also have to watch, and i'm obsessed with the idea of a hive tv show, so this is like...the natural conclusion of that? i tried very hard to make this funny but have no idea if i succeeded LOL. basically everything is the same except GLOVE is filming a documentary on hive for Some Reason (entertainment? what not to do? who knows). this also borrows heavily from interception point's interpretation of the core four, but the actual novella isnt referenced at all. hopefully a lot of this is self explanatory but please let me know if anything else needs clarifying!!

_We begin with a talking head featuring OTTO, looking utterly miserable. There are dark circles underneath his eyes, his hair is a mess, there is dirt under his fingernails and his collar is noticeably askew._

OTTO _(with great regret):_

Technically, it wasn’t even my fault.

_Cut to SHELBY, looking, for her part, like she’s just walked out of a beauty salon; her ponytail is sleek and straight, and she’s beaming. She cracks her knuckles in anticipation._

SHELBY _(grinning):_

No, it was totally Malpense’s fault. I mean, it was his idea in the first place.

_Cut again to LAURA and WING, identical long-suffering expressions on their faces. The background is unclear; it appears they are possibly hiding in a bathroom together._

LAURA:

Shelby and Otto are very competitive.

WING _(frowning)_ :

That feels like an understatement.

LAURA:

I think if Shelby thought she could get away with recreating the Ides of March starring herself as Brutus, she definitely would.

WING:

Otto would be Caesar.

LAURA:

Yeah, no, I think they got that.

_Shot of SHELBY and OTTO ‘playfighting’ on a raised platform during a Tactical Ed lesson. Beside them, NIGEL is flinching. Slow zoom on the COLONEL in the background, whose expression speaks a thousand words, all of them along the lines of him not getting paid enough to intervene. After a long five seconds, FRANZ trips and accidentally bumps into both SHELBY and OTTO, and all three of them fall into the moat of water below. SHELBY, though inaudible, can clearly be seen blaming OTTO in between colourful-looking curse words._

LAURA _(voiceover):_

It’s currently exam season, and even though all four of us are technically excused because of what happened in Colorado last month with Zero Hour and Lucy and everything, Otto and Shelby decided they wanted to take the assessments anyway.

_Shot of RAVEN supervising a weapons drill between the two of them. She is clearly regretting all of the life choices that led her to this point._

WING _(talking head):_

I think this is their way of coping?

_LAURA scoffs. Between the two of them, she is clearly more practiced in having to intervene in their roommates’ fights._

LAURA:

They’re just desperate to fight one another in a school-sanctioned environment.

WING:

I’m not sure it’s entirely sanctioned. Raven doesn’t seem very happy.

_Another shot of RAVEN, this time watching OTTO and SHELBY scale a model of a mountain face. Despite the lack of danger, both of her hands are firmly gripping her katanas. One can only assume this is a sign of great distress._

LAURA _(laughing)_ :

When is she ever happy?

_Cut back to OTTO in his talking head. He appears pained._

OTTO:

At the end of the week, there was a tie.

_A shot of NERO, very clearly altering a set of results to make them the same. It is not apparent who he has sabotaged, but from SHELBY’S dramatic eye roll at RAVEN’S announcement of a draw, it’s obvious she thinks it’s her._

SHELBY _(talking head)_ :

It was obvious nepotism. No way he cracked a rib and still equalled me in all of the physical tasks.

OTTO:

How is it nepotism? I’m related to none of the staff members!

WING _(talking head, looking reluctant)_ :

Realistically, I think it’s more likely that Shelby was the true winner.

LAURA _(laughing)_ :

Otto is a bit too literal with his definitions. Nero definitely has a soft spot for him.

WING:

Most of the staff do, come to think of it.

_Shot of OTTO approaching SHELBY in the library and whispering in her ear. LAURA, sitting next to her, seems slightly crestfallen. Everyone else in the area is hurriedly packing their things up and glancing nervously at SHELBY’S table, with the occupants seemingly unaware._

LAURA:

Please don’t tell me this is about the tests. There’ll be another set before Christmas.

SHELBY _(seriously)_ :

You expect me to wait that long for a confirmed victory, Brand?

OTTO:

It’s just a little tiebreaker.

SHELBY _(nodding)_ :

Not a big deal.

LAURA:

I’m leaving so I can keep plausible deniability.

_LAURA is apparently unaware that literally everyone else in the library also had this exact idea, hence the mass exodus. As she grabs her bag, she frowns._

LAURA:

It’s too empty in here for exam season.

SHELBY _(dismissively)_ :

They’re probably all at the other library.

LAURA _(slowly)_ :

Maybe I should look into that.

OTTO:

Maybe.

SHELBY _(impatient)_ :

Do you want your deniability or not, Brand? I want to plan.

LAURA _(rolling her eyes)_ :

Alright, I’m going!

_Cut back to talking head._

LAURA _(talking head, grinning)_ :

I think I made the right decision.

_Cut to SHELBY, unrolling her toolkit onto her bed. In the background, LAURA can be seen pointedly plugging in her headphones and turning away to look at her computer screen. The camera pans to the wall and then cuts to OTTO and WING, mirroring the girls in their own room, except WING is instead doing karate forms while staring at his Political Manipulation textbook. The camera cuts once more to FRANZ and NIGEL, who are simply playing would-you-rather with the new G.L.O.V.E. ruling council, for contrast, before returning to SHELBY._

SHELBY _(voiceover)_ :

It was pretty simple. Nobody knows where the staff accommodation is, so Otto said that whoever found it first won.

OTTO _(talking head)_ :

It wasn’t cheating, okay? Maybe I did have a vague idea of where the staff accommodation block was. Maybe I did ask H.I.V.E.mind for some hints. But we go to villain school. Shelby definitely cheated too!

SHELBY _(talking head):_

Cara Daniels in the year above has a cousin who’s one of Pike’s research assistants. Ergo, he sleeps in the staff block.

_SHELBY grins smugly._

SHELBY:

Let’s just say she totally owed me for that time I smuggled in a Harry Potter DVD for her.

_Cut to WING and LAURA in their talking head position. Shouting can be heard in the background, the American accent betraying that it is SHELBY and OTTO._

PRODUCER:

Should we come back later?

LAURA:

No, it’s better that they get it out of their systems now instead of later.

WING _(sighing)_ :

Suffice to say, the whole thing was a disaster.

_Poorly lit shots of SHELBY and OTTO, alternately, sneaking out of their rooms and trying to find the staff quarters. Although SHELBY is faster, she is hindered by the fact that she keeps stopping every ten seconds to bend over laughing. OTTO, meanwhile, is taking the whole job entirely seriously._

NIGEL _(voiceover)_ :

Shelby has tons of practical experiences with heists. Did you know she once hid in a sewer for a week? 

FRANZ _(voiceover)_ :

If I was being a betting man, I would not be betting against Shelby. I am thinking she might be a witch, ja?

_There is a pointed shot of SHELBY cackling maniacally to emphasise FRANZ’S point._

NIGEL _(voiceover)_ :

Look, I don’t blame Otto for being fooled. _(Pause.)_ But did he really think he stood a chance?

_Cut back to SHELBY in her talking head, looking utterly triumphant. She examines her (clean, polished) nails for one long moment._

SHELBY:

I never had any plans to try and reach the staff quarters. There’s tons of booby traps. Guess Big Blue forgot to warn Malpense of that one, huh?

_Zoom on H.I.V.E.MIND, looking disconcertingly guilty._

H.I.V.E.MIND:

In my defence, Mr Malpense did not ask.

_Silent shot of OTTO sitting silently in his talking head. Cut to WING and LAURA, visibly trying not to laugh as the shouting increases in volume. Cut back to H.I.V.E.MIND._

H.I.V.E.MIND:

I at least shut off the flesh-eating worms in Ms Gonzalez’s trap. And prevented Dr Nero from becoming aware of the attempted intrusion.

OTTO _(talking head)_ :

I’m satisfied to call it a draw.

SHELBY _(talking head)_ :

Is he kidding? I’m not the one covered in dirt. I won. Hands down.

WING _(talking head)_ :

I’m just glad I wasn’t involved in this.

LAURA:

Hopefully this will keep them calm until the Hunt. At least. This can be a very stressful time of year.

_Shot of NERO in his office. He is rifling through some paperwork and studiously not looking at the camera._

RAVEN _(voiceover)_ :

Of course Nero knows about it. I think he’s turning a blind eye because it means Malpense isn’t moping in his lessons anymore.

_Cut to RAVEN in her talking head. She is smiling, only slightly, and dressed in more casual clothes than one might expect. She’s holding the doctored score sheet in hand, except this time it presents OTTO as the winner._

RAVEN:

I think I’ll hold onto this. Just in case.

*

  
NOTES FROM G.L.O.V.E.: REJECTED. Do you guys seriously think we need to make the world’s deadliest assassin and the head of the ruling council seem like they have a soft touch? And exposing Malpense’s weaknesses is the worst idea anyone’s had since Madame Mortis’s robot sharks. Please get some USEABLE footage, thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!!


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